By Carla van Eyk, BSN RN
PPL Executive Director
“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen
and called its name Ebenezer; for he said,
'Till now the Lord has helped us.'”
1 Samuel 7:12 ESV
Ringing in the New Year of 2019, our family learned that our married daughter was expecting another child, and our 3-yr.-old granddaughter Rorie would have a sibling! We praised God that He had faithfully provided this long-awaited child. But our family’s song of joy soon turned to one of weeping lament, when Elisa and her husband learned of their preborn daughter’s life-limiting fetal diagnosis of anencephaly with other complications on St. Valentine's Day 2019.
Having named her Tessera, which means a small piece of glass or stone in a mosaic, James and Elisa longed to see the big picture of how “her short life would reveal the awesome work of the Master Artist, even though Tess may seem broken at first.” Tenderly, the Lord provided His comfort in the beginning waves of heavy griefwork after this ultrasound diagnosis.
"Indeed, in our hearts we felt that we had received the sentence of death.
But that was to make us rely not on ourselves
but on God who raises the dead ...
On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,
as you help us by your prayers."
2 Cor. 1:9-11a NIV
Rev. Mark Vroegop, their former pastor and newly appointed president of The Gospel Coalition, writes in his book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: "To lament is to offer up prayer in pain that leads to deeper trust in the Lord." James and Elisa, themselves medical professionals, had resolutely decided to nurture this child and deliver precious Tess at term despite having been offered the “option” of abortion by the medical provider. They chose to trust the Lord.
In fact, the researchers for the 2020 study, “What Motivates Parents to Continue a Pregnancy after a Life-Limiting Fetal Diagnosis: A Qualitative Study of Parents”* conclude there is a growing desire for perinatal palliative care, but a dismissive attitude by perinatal professionals prevails: “Parental motivations to continue pregnancies diagnosed prenatally as LLFD are centered on the early bond with the unborn baby, the consideration of his or her full existence as a person, and the prevention of future regrets. ... Perinatal professionals should acknowledge these motivations to better understand parental choice and support them.” (emphasis mine)
With heavy hearts, no sooner had Elisa and James rejoiced in this long-awaited preborn child before they had to surrender their stillborn baby girl, Tessera Joy, to the Lord (1 Samuel 1:26-27) on June 10, 2019. Even the shared experience of holding the lifeless body of Tess, shortly after, was deeply meaningful for those of us present as grandparents and uncles. By faith in God’s tender mercies, we all look forward as believers to the reunion we will have with our sweet Tess in the New Heavens and New Earth to come. (Isaiah 65:17- 20a, Ecclesiastes 11:5, Jeremiah 1:5a)
God provided family and friends to enfold us in caring prayers as well as acts of kindness and service shown to Elisa and her family. The Holy Spirit even prompted me to set up a scheduled prayer vigil online for the 48-hr. period of Tess's expected birth, which resulted in an outpouring of loving long-distance support the day of her arrival. The prayers of many were our "Ebenezer" or "Stone of help"
in Christ (1 Sam. 7).
May we see the Hope of restoration in Christ through tear-filled eyes in every trial of faith. Since their loss, we praise the Lord for how Elisa and James are as living memorial stones testifying of His faithfulness to all generations in their workplace, at home, and in their needy communities. My prayer for them has been answered for not allowing a seed of bitterness to grow but sowing the seed of the Gospel to those whom God brings across their path in the shadow of Tess’s death:
“Restore our fortunes, O Lord, ... He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him"
Psalm 126:4-6 NIV
Credits: Photo of Tess embraced by her parents taken by Elisa’s dear friend and fellow DPT, Anya Albonetti.
*Nataly Botero, Isabelle de Mézerac, Dominique Ducard, Laurence Caeymaex. What Motivates Parents to Continue a Pregnancy after a Life-Limiting Fetal Diagnosis. Advances in Pediatrics and Neonatal Care, 2020, ff10.29011/APNC-114.100014ff. ffhal-03125603f.
PPL friend Sue Cyre writes: “The argument is often made that abortion is necessary for the mental health of the mother to alleviate conditions like depression or anxiety. According to a 2016 study, ‘Abortion, Substance Abuse and Mental Health in Early Adulthood: Thirteen-year Longitudinal Evidence from the United States’: ‘abortion was consistently associated with increased risk of mental health disorder’ and ‘not a single study has documented mental health benefits for women from the practice of induced abortion.’” (Donald Paul Sullins, SAGE Open Medicine, vol. 4:1-11, //journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub/10.1177/2050312116665997)
Helpful Resources:
Be Not Afraid (https://benotafraid.net/) “BNA is a private non-profit organization supporting parents carrying to term following a prenatal diagnosis. Our staff and volunteers strive to develop relationships of trust while providing for the emotional and tangible needs of parents at diagnosis, during pregnancy, at birth, and during the post-postpartum period for up to one year.”
Prenatal Diagnosis (https://prenataldiagnosis.org/get-help)
Call or text 888-517-5588 Hotline Available 24/7: "Parent Care Coordinators (PCCs) provide a free service of practical guidance, information, and referrals so that parents understand what is normal, what is possible, and what might be helpful as they carry to term. Special attention is given to assisting the parents in the development of a birth and newborn care plan, and support is provided for one year following the birth. No matter what diagnosis or prognosis you have received, PCCs are here to help."
ppl.org/memorial-service-sample (For Parents who Grieve the Loss of Children) Our church hosted and officiated a memorial service for Tess (Sept. 2019). Many others have shared their story of loss of a beloved preborn or stillborn child, so PPL prays that churches choose to memorialize the significance of these precious lives once lived, whatever the cause of death.
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